Silence, deep underground I write this post in a cinder blocked room so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Sitting here in isolation, I wonder what to write about. The creative battery that powers this engine is depleted, before it is completely empty, I may tell you about death. This may be painful for some readers so please take caution with reading this.
To start, I wish to die. I want death’s sweet and cold embrace to wrap it’s skeletal arms around me tightly and whispering in my ear, “It’s all over now.” My brain tells me to end it all, that death will be so much easier than dealing with the problems of life. Why do I desire this? Why can I not forgive myself for what I have done? How can I not move on from you? These questions rattle through the brain all hours of the day and they saturate my dreams.
The rub is that there is no attractive way to end my own life. I am scared of heights, so jumping would not be for me. I am woozy with blood so I can’t slit my wrists. I could never swallow pills as a kid, so there goes that idea. I also suck at tying knots so that really would leave my hanging on. No matter, I still yearn to die.
People always have the same reaction when you tell them that you want to die, “No, don’t do that” “Why would you say that?” “You have so much to live for!” Yeah but at the same time, is it not my own choice what happens to my life? I’ve been told I am just a melodramatic kid with too many emotions. There are those who see me as a liability, it would look bad on their institution if I ended it while there. The saddest thing is that there are plenty of people who would be glad to see me go. Or that is what they say until it actually happens and they get a box of tapes and go all 13 Reasons Why on their asses.
Can we take a minute to talk about that show? It is honestly one of the shittiest portrayals of anything. They only focus on what happened to Hannah, not mental illness like they try to say they are advocating for. They do portray suicide decently well. When I watched the last episode and Hannah described how she felt, I broke down and cried because I could relate to how she had been feeling, not because I felt bad for her. Clay saw a psychologist, nobody ever advises Hannah on seeing a professional! Nobody noticed her descent into what may as well be depression. I hate how they still try and victim blame her after Hannah’s death. Fuck this show, fuck the tapes, fuck the idea that you can get revenge on people who hurt you because you killed yourself. Your death only hurts people and this fucking show makes suicide look like the cool and popular way to get revenge on people who hurt you. SUICIDE SHOULD NEVER BE SHOWN AS AN OPTION.
Sorry for the outburst, this show just strikes a personal nerve with me
Don’t give up